Thursday, July 30, 2009


This week has been a major depressive episode. I had to hide from the world. Sunday had been one of the rare manic days when I felt pretty good--nothing had made me angry [a usual trigger], I was not compelled to go out where the world would start boiling over when I can't find the knob to turn of the burner, and I had a fixemup project or two that I could turn to.

So I started work making a barbecue grill/emergency stove out of a "3 pound" coffee can. Some components were already in place. I made that by Wednesday and the depression got deeper. There's a point when I wake up, even from a nap, when I'm hitting rock bottom. As I dose in and out of it, I simply don't want to wake up at all, ever.

The only way out, once you do wake up for good, is to keep moving, do work, but stay confined and understimulated. So I made my grill, rearranged my tool bags, rearranged my desk, rearranged my room, repaired a fake "colonial" double shelf held together with nails too small for it, with brass angle brackets and screws. You can't even sit still long enough to write or the blackness overwhelms. Hence I've not been here.

I must go out today to a local mh agency where I can fax for free. Stuff needs to be sent to Job and Family Services so I can keep my food stamps and my medicaid coverage.

I dread it.

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